guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I will pee on everything he values.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
