OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
