College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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