Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
