before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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