My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
