I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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