We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
