I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My liver just had a heart attack.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
