I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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