Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
