maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
