forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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