At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
