I faked an abortion last night.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
