My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Too much gin, very little bucket
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
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