i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
