it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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