Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
