shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
