I'm gonna have a badass scar
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
