she was so not down for the gang bang
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
