I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
