We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
