i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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