Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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