Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
