I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
