After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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