3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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