This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
