Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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