I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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