She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
