i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Randomize
