i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
