I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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