Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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