We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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