I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
