Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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