Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
