Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
