I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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