so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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