literally had 100 drinks last night.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Just invented taco cereal.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
