You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
