im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
