My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This show inspires me to have sex in space
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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