I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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