She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
